Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Life is Ever Changing!

Multnomah Splendor in All Seasons
     I sort of wanted to entitle this, "My Year of Rollercoaster Learning." I did not, obviously, because every year is a rollercoaster of learning nowadays. The past year has been very interesting, and it seemed to fly by at an alarming rate. I am still living in Oregon, which, I am finding fits me so much more than Utah ever did. I am still living with my sister and her husband, and recently made the realization that I no longer wish to move away from that living situation.
     It seems that up until now  in my life, I have been trying to run away from something. Daily meditation has helped me to come to realize that I was trying to run from myself, but, wherever you go, there you are! 

You Can't Run Away from YOU!
     It was getting pretty stressful looking for my own place, seeing the exorbitant prices for apartments in the area. I came to the conclusion that while it was a bit hectic with my husband here- yes, we tried to make it work once again, only to find that we need to be on seperate paths in life- it hasn't been such a pressing issue since he moved back to Utah. I no longer feel as if I NEED to move, just gotta go NOW! Peace: It is a feeling for which I have longed for quite a while. I have yet to be able to run away from myself, in all these many years of trying; so I guess I finally got tired of trying.
     I don't know if it had anything to do with me turning the "Big Four-Oh" in January, or if this meditation thing is really paying off? I feel I am able to truly view occurrences in my life as lessons now, and am very grateful to be able to accept that: Life is ever changing, and so am I! I'm putting myself in a position where I come first. That may sound selfish, but- let me explain:
     In order for me to truly know what love is, so that I may attract that into my life, and reciprocate it as well, I need to figure out what this "Love" thing is that people talk about. I know, it sounds silly, not knowing what love is, though I've marched down that "Aisle of Wedded Bliss" three times. Obviously, I was missing something in my life. Each time I fell into a marriage, I thought, "This is The One! This is The Guy who will take me away from poverty, or depression, or whatever..."

Baby, Don't Hurt Me...

     Why did I use the words, "Fell into a marriage"? Well, for most of my life, I was under the impression that when you're a female, you get married. That's just what you do. Let's be honest, if you had parents like mine, that's all you were told. That's all women are good for, right? Get married, and start a family. Now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing WRONG with getting married, but if you're like me, what if that's NOT what you truly want? Three marriages, and I felt like I was living someone else's life each time.
     In this juncture of singleness, I have quite a bit time to think. I do it a lot! I feel that thinking is UNDERRATED, and should be done more often. However (yes, I did say however), there's a downside to thinking too, which kind of sucks, but tell me you've never OVER-thought about things. Overthinking can be a person's undoing, if they allow it. Is it possible that I just may have come to the point in life (at the ripe ol' age of 40) where I can think about, but NOT overthink things? I believe it may be quite possible.
     I have found that, I am just plain tired of trying to ascribe society's ideas of what women, or people in general (but since I am of the female persuasion...), SHOULD do. I've been spending more time on Facebook, and if that doesn't depress you, nothing else will! I really need something better to do at work other than Facebook... I've come to the conclusion that I do not want to fit into that cookie cutter. I'm m a star, and I'm trying to fit into a cube sized ideal. Not gonna happen!


     I'm not buying into the "What Not to Wear at a Certain Age" BS. I notice that I don't wear what other ladies my age are wearing. I don't act like other people my age do. I love cartoons, and I like to get out and PLAY, dammit! I mean playing like I used to when I was coming up. Forts and all! And, you know what? I feel MUCH better for it! And you will too, if you allow yourself to.
     I have read, time and again, that if I keep in alignment of my true self, like circumstances, and people, will come into my life. Others could leave, such as the most recent husband... I'm actually seeing proof of this alignment in my life. I'm not dating, either, in case you were wondering. I'm allowing that space within me to be ME. 
     You see, every time I got hitched, or dated, lived with etc., I took on my partner's identity. I only recently admitted that to myself, and out loud so I knew I figured it out, I have witnesses! Because my parents were such dictators in my life, it took me far longer than it could have to figure this little gem out. But, figure it out, I did!
     It is taking me a while to shake off the binds that have tied me for so long, and I am still learning and growing, ever changing and evolving. I am getting better every day, in every way, and I am looking for like minded people to join me in admitting that we truly don't KNOW anything for absolute certain in this life! I have only found what I don't like and want, but with these tools, I CAN find what is best for my highest good!

Change is the ONLY constant in life!

     Change doesn't have to have negative connotations. Embrace your change today, and see how your life begins to emulate you and what you want! It's totally like magic!