Friday, September 28, 2012

When the Mountain Gets in the Way...

     Today's blog is going to be a bit different, more like therapy for myself, or venting, if you will.  Whatever it gets labeled, I hope you will bear with me.  It has been one Heckuva day: I was terminated at my place of employment due to a predicament I was in earlier this year. A momentary lapse of reason, in which I acted totally out of character- resulting in a Class B Misdemeanor, a hefty fine, 48 hours in the local jail, and anger management classes (not to mention failing a sting about a week after getting out of the hoosegow, I get to do community service for that though...). My background check, which they assured me at the beginning (because I was forthright, and told them of this altercation); would not be a problem, turned out most definitely to be a problem. A "problem" which may cost me more than just this job. 
     As I sit here typing this up, wringing my hands, I find myself out of work once again, for the umpteenth time in 3 (or more) years; I can't help but want to kick myself. I could have stayed inside of my vehicle and remembered to breathe back in March when this all started. I chose to act on an impulse, and I continue to reap all sorts of consequences aside from whatever the judge handed out.
     With these lingering consequences, I have two choices I can ultimately make: I can sit here and keep on brooding until I make my life Hell all over again, and go back to where I started before my "journey of enlightenment." OR: I can choose to ask, "What is the lesson here?" It is painfully obvious that I am still learning, and until I find out what the "lesson" is, I am doomed to repeat it. Do I still get in my own way? It is possible.

     I am desperately trying to STOP any negative thoughts that come to mind, consequently, by keeping myself occupied with busy work. I realize all too well that what you put out to the Uni-verse, you get back. I need all the positivity I can get at this point in time, so I don't think I can afford to put any negativity out there. True, this is a setback, but is it possible to see this "setback" in a positive light? Some say it is so.

     I have found that no matter where I have lived, I cannot get away from my "problems," and they even seem to "follow" me. Is it not a possibility that I carry these "problems" within me? This is why I have asked if I continue to get in my own way. I haven't thought to 'wish for something as it turns out' before, so seeing this graphic is fortunate timing.  To ponder just what it means to get out of my own way, assess the current situation, and find out how best to proceed in spite of what happened (in spite of? Maybe not in spite of...), will do me some good.
     The facts from today are outlined thusly: The "chiefs" liked me.  They really didn't care that I had a couple of bad days, we all have them. So, I can congratulate myself for being recognized for my potential in a job. I must keep that close to my heart.  Were it that my place of employment was a publicly owned facility, it would matter not that I got a Misdemeanor. But, as it is a Government funded organization, they could not keep me on.
     I am not avoiding blame in this, I am simply looking at the facts of the situation.  They saw me as a good worker, a good match for the job I was hired to do. They saw that I was devastated when they had to let me go, and they did not like that they had to enforce it.  
     The sad, and glaring, fact remains: I have arrived in this circumstance as a result of acting on an ANGER IMPULSE, a negative reaction to a occurrence that happened. The traffic collision could have happened to anyone, and has happened to a fair amount of people, I'm sure. I allowed negativity to outside stressors to take over, and I want to make a point here: HOW I CHOSE TO REACT AT THAT POINT IN TIME HAS AFFECTED MY LIFE IN THE HERE AND NOW.
     This is why it is imperative to keep your negative impulses in check. You can be angry, that is ok, I'm not saying we're not allowed to get angry- it happens. How you choose to ACT on that anger may NOT, however, be ok. When I chose to assault another human being simply because their car barely tapped mine on the bumper, that action WAS NOT OK. I cannot take it back, so I am cycling through the outcome and repercussions of that negative action. If I can see the gift in all of this "mess," I may be alright!  If I can see the chance to grow I am being allowed, I may be able to say that I have gotten out of my own way.

     I keep praying that I will see this termination from the best job I've ever had as God sees it.  Not now I want to see it. I don't particularly like to think about my immediate thoughts on this subject as I left the building today. I'm certainly not going to dwell on that reaction. That is where I had to immediately interrupt my thought process, before I ran smack into that huge mountain ever looming before me.  This mountain looms before all of us, whether we realize it or not. We can choose to climb that mountain, go around it the long way, blast through it, or- yes there IS another option- move it.

     When we successfully learn to move the mountains in our lives out of the way- we have, in reality, been granted the knowledge we so desire in order to grow! I pray that I can successfully move this particular mountain. It has been in my way quite a long time. My epiphany: the mountain I need to remove is me holding myself back from anything good in my life because as a child, I was programmed to believe I would never amount to anything. 
     Why in the world would ANYONE WANT to hold onto THAT their entire life? Maybe because that is the lie they have chosen to see masquerading as truth. I have heard that in order to truly heal, and ultimately move forward, one needs to admit they have a problem.  Houston, we have a problem. Well, that was the first step in the successful removal of said "Life Mountain." I am quite sure that the mountain may remain for a while longer, but I see it now.
     Tomorrow, I may even be able to see beyond the mountain, but it certainly will not move right away. Moving it could be hard. I'd like it to be easy. Can I intend for it to be easy? I have heard that manifesting good can be as easy as one makes it. So, here goes. Enough about landscaping, I see what I'd like, and I am willing to believe the truth about me now that I've caught a glimpse of it. Why be afraid of my potential? Aren't we all?
     Thank you for coming on this particular journey with me today.  My hope is that in reading about my life's mountains, you may see your own, and be able to move them! Good luck and much positive energy goes out to all of us who need a major undertaking done in their lives!